The Blog of Fred

Regular reader will recall that in previous Summers I lived in the nudist club. The big advantage of that nudist club was that the groundsman tended the gardens and grounds during the week while I was away at work so that the club was quiet and peaceful at the weekend.

This Summer I am living on a trailer park. No groundsman. The residents tend their gardens and grounds at the weekend. This Sunday was the first warm dry day that we had enjoyed for some weeks, which means that all the trailer park residents got out their motor mowers, strimmers, hedge cutters and leaf blowers to do a bit of gardening.

The whole day was a cacophony of power tool noise. Strimmers are particularly noisy and nasty.

I had hoped to enjoy a bit of a lay in, Sunday morning sex, brunch and then generally chill out for the rest of the day. I spent most of the day wearing ear plugs.

WHEN I RULE THE WORLD:
Two stroke motors are banned at any time. (Four strokes are acceptable Monday to Friday 08-30 to 17-30)
Leaf blowers are banned. (Get a rake or a broom.)
Gardening on the weekend is banned. (Friday after 18-00 until Monday at 08-00)
Gardening in silly hats is especially forbidden. (Pink and DPM camouflage hats are particularly silly)
Hedges of Leyland Cypress are unacceptable and must be removed.

Next weekend I will go to the nudist club. I could not go this weekend as they had organised a work party to do a bit of gardening.

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A few days ago the Deelightful Curvaceous Dee put this up on Twitter:

“Always surprised when I go to kink social events, introduce myself to someone new, and they know me already. Flattering, though.”

In one of those strange quirks of coincidence that a few days before Dee’s post I had been in on a conversation about large ladies and how some men, myself included, found them hot. The conversation came around to large ladies who have a web presence and Dee’s blog was mentioned. I was surprised at how many of the munch folk knew about or followed Dee’s adventures on the web. After all we are all on the other side of the planet.

Dee is in Auckland New Zealand and I was at a munch in North London, say about 11,800 miles or 19,000 kilometres apart. But that is the beauty of the inter web, we live in the global village.

Dee describes herself as “fat, (not a term I would ever use) pansexual, polyamorous, kinky, New Zealander, writer.” If you like the sound of this then take a look at her web pages, there is a lot of interesting and useful information. In fact take a look anyway, you never know what you might see that you like.

If you like large ladies then it’s really compulsory to subscribe.

I have a plan, that is on permanent hold for reasons beyond my control, to visit New Zealand to see my relatives who live in Auckland and to totally gate crash the Auckland Munch to meet Dee.

I don’t like to neglect this blog for too long as my perverted reader may think I have given it up again.

But nothing has happened in the last few weeks that are worth writing about. I can find no inspiration to write about events in the past and my imagination has failed me so I can’t write a story. Plus I am too embarrassed to write some of my really dark and perverted fantasies.

The most exciting thing to happen this week: I dropped my varifocal spectacles and scratched them so badly that they are all but useless. Five hundred pounds of titanium framed super complex prescription specs fucked in a split second.

A white van reversed into my car so I have to get that fixed. The car is still drivable but it looks a bit rough. That at least will not cost as white van man will have to pay as it was totally his stupid fault.

In other news it’s been so cold and wet here in the UK that even thinking about the nudist club is a non starter.
I have mostly been on my own so no fun and games with the ladies either.

Roll on Summer, I think I am suffering from S.A.D.

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is erotic fiction by E.L. James.

There has been a lot of fuss, A LOT OF FUSS, about this book and it’s two sequels. The book is aimed at women, it’s very popular with the 30+ group. I thought it was worth a punt as an E Book.

The nice thing about e books is you can read them on your Kindle, iPad, Whatever on the commute into work on the train and no one knows what you are reading. You can read the most salacious porn and no one has a clue. If you are reading in private you only need one hand for a Kindle leaving the other hand free for …
But I digress …

Not that ’50 Shades’ is really wanking material.

I am alway loth to reveal plot lines as I don’t want to spoil the book if you have not read it yet but here are a few things that I found odd.

The central female character Anastasia is a virgin. She also does not have a laptop or a smart ‘phone. I can totally believe that at 20ish she is a virgin, it’s the laptop and ‘phone bit I don’t buy. No way would a young lady at university not be into the tech.

The central male character Christian Grey is late 20s, very successful in business, a control freak and into kinky sex. I think he is too young to be that successful, he needs another 10 years to get that wealthy in business. Everything else about him is believable. Just.

The story is about their relationship together, the negotiations over the kink versus vanilla sex. The control he exerts over her. Her control over him and these themes develop as the story moves along. It plays out quite nicely but it is a bit one dimensional. There is very little depth to the characters or their story. The story never stopped me in my tracks with a ‘I did not see that coming’ moment.

Frankly I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
It’s not that rude, I have read other books with many more sex scenes.
There is some BDSM stuff, but mostly the BDSM is about Anastasia not wanting to do it.
Christian has a playroom to die for and I want one just like it.

What I find very interesting about the book is that it was released as an E Book, self published in effect, and has since gone mainstream and been published in paper form. So if you have written a book (as I have¹) and want to get published then this could be the way to go.

I read all of the first book, Fifty Shades of Grey. I read half of the second book Fifty Shades Darker and then paused as it was not really grabbing my attention. I did eventually read the whole book but I skimmed most of it. I can not bring myself to read the third book.

If you can get a copy for free to read, go for it. I would not part with my hard earned cash.

You want to know about my book? It’s about a geeky boy who goes time travelling. He does not realise it at first but his companion with the time machine is his older self. It’s still a bit disjointed and does not have a satisfactory conclusion. (Or one could argue that’s perfect for a sequel.) Work in progress.

Spring is sprung and stuff is growing wild. Including Brenda’s “Lady Garden”.
After the long Winter of being kept hidden in her panties, the Lady Garden is looking forward to getting some sun and air. Except the garden needs some maintenance.

“It’s not easy to trim your own Lady Garden.” Brenda complained. “Can you do it for me.”

Thus we come to the rather strange spectacle of Brenda spread wide on the bed and me with my beard trimmer and comb ready to perform the delicate task of trimming her pubic hair. The cats supervising as usual. (I no longer have a beard, but I still have the trimmer.)

“Don’t take too much off. Trimmed not bald please!” She was most emphatic.

I fired up the trimmer, delicately lifting the hair with the comb and chopped away. After a few minutes of careful work I declared the job done. Brenda examined herself in the hand mirror.

“Good job Fred.”

As she was in such an inviting position it seemed like a suitable time to check out if the new haircut made cunnilingus more accessible. Several orgasms later I pleased to confirm that this was just so.

My friend Alison gave me a call. “Can you come and help Fred, I have a computer problem?”
Alison uses me as her Mac guru ever since she moved from the dark side to the fruity computing.

I looped it past her house on the way home from work. She was wandering around in her robe looking a bit lost.
“Gregg not around?” I enquired. Gregg is her partner.
“He is away for a few days on a training course.” Gregg is an undertaker, which made me wonder what sort of training he was on. But I digress.
After a while it was clear that the computer problem was a rather feeble excuse to get me to call.
Alison gave me her ‘naughty girl’ look. “Do you mind that I asked you to call?”
“Not really, so what’s this all about?”
We migrated to the lounge and we sat side by side on the huge leather sofa.
“Spank me Fred?” She asked.
So that’s what it’s about. I was rather surprised that she had concocted the computer story, normally she just askes me outright for a spanking in a text or email.
She pulled up her robe and went over my lap. I spanked away with my hand for a while.
“That’s fine, thanks Fred.” She curled up on my lap, her face buried in my chest. We just sat there quiet and still.
After a while I realised that she had her hand between her legs. Her breathing changed and she wriggled around on my lap. After a few moments she was gasping for breath and her hand was working vigorously.
“OK there Alison?” I asked once she had stopped.
She gave me another ‘naught girl’ look. “I am fine now thanks.”
We sat in silence for a few more minutes.
“You are my favourite masturbation fantasy Fred!”

I have never considered myself as wanking fantasy material. I have always thought that girls thought about actors or pop stars as they wanked.

“So what’s the fantasy then?” I asked.
“I’m embarrassed.” She blushed and gave me another ‘naughty girl’ look.”
“So you get me here on a flimsy pretext, sit on my lap and play with yourself, have several orgasms and now you won’t tell me what it’s all about? That’s hardly fair.” I feigned indignation.
“OK, so you call around to see me because my computers faulty. The computer fault is because I have done something wrong and you get cross with me and spank me for not looking after the computer properly.”
There was a long pause …
“That’s it? What happen next?” I asked.
“By the time the fantasy has got to me being over your lap and getting spanked I have had several orgasms so it just sort of ends there. It does not have a proper ending.”
She shifted her position and then got up off my lap. There was a wet patch on my thigh where she had been wanking sitting. I moved my legs to get the circulation back. I had pins and needles.
“She gave me another ‘naughty girl’ look. “Are you cross Fred?”
It is impossible to be cross with a girl who is wearing just a satin robe and has been sitting on your lap masturbating.
“I’m not cross, a bit confused. Why not just ask like you usually do?”
“I thought that this might be more fun. Want some fun Fred?”
Fun is probably an euphemism for something.

After I wrote this I emailed it to Alison just to get her approval before publishing.
At first she thought it was already published so she was in a flat spin as she had not told her partner Gregg about the escapade. I strung her along for a bit just for a bit of (rather naughty of me) fun.
Gregg was cool with it so here we go hitting the publish button.
Alison also hits all my buttons and apparently I hit all of hers.

I visited the ‘new’ nudist club this weekend. They had a start the Summer season bash with the sauna, hot tub and swimming pool all available. (The pool was a bit chilly, it failed my big toe test.)

I was a happy camper in the hot tub and sauna, chatting with the members, joining in, getting known.

Later in the day My friends Gregg and Alison arrived. It was nice to see some familiar faces. (And other bits …)

Alison was giggling, clearly something had amused her. After a while she commented “Have you looked at your bum Fred?”

It took a few moments for the penny to drop. I had totally forgotten that I had been spanked a few days before. I wrapped a towel around myself and wandered off in search of a mirror. In the mens toilets I was able to examine my bum. I still had the six tramline marks from the cane. Feint and fading fast but never the less visible marks.

First time nude at the new club and I walk around sporting kinky marks.

Thinking about it; I didn’t really wander about naked that much. It was a bit too cold to be nude except in the sauna and hot tub. My bum was hidden by a towel most of the time. I think I got away with it. Only a seasoned spanko like Alison would have noticed.

So now I am just waiting for the other kinky folk who spotted my deliberate mistake to make themselves known to me. New playmates!

Every cloud has a silver lining. I hope …

I made my choice for the Summer:

I am staying put at the trailer park. I paid the rent for the next six months, so it looks like I am here for the rest of the year.

On the plus side I have joined another nudist club and I am looking forward to new friends and adventures. A few of the members from the old club have also migrated so there will be some familiar faces. (and other bits …) The club does not have facilities for RVs so I will be a day member.

Both my cats now have passports so we still have the option of travelling abroad together. Maybe next year.

Roll on Summer so I can get naked!

I have been woking on some security lighting and cameras for a friends business. It involves a lot of work up ladders and clambering over roofs with cable and lights and CCTV kit.

It’s not exactly dangerous, but I managed to fuck up big time. Up a set of step ladders, at a couple of metres, say eight feet, I was over reaching and unbalanced the ladders. In slow motion I toppled off the steps, grabbed at the cable I had been fitting, missed, swivelled in mid air and landed on hard concrete on my arse. The bad part was my left boot caught in the steps and remained firmly stuck as I swivelled, resulting in a sprained ankle.

Once the shock had subsided I got up, hobbled around for a few moments cursing the whole world, realised that it was really my own fault and then sat down. My left ankle hurt like hell. After a while I got up and finished fitting the last bit of cable. I decided to call it a day and go home. I took off my big work boots and put my shoes on. It was at this point I realised I may have done more damage to my ankle than I had first thought.

Fast forward a few hours: I am home in the RV, I have my foot in a bucket of iced water. The cats are looking at me with sympathy. My friend Brenda arrives. I told her my sorry story and at this point I expected her to side with the cats and offer sympathy, love, cuddles, all that good stuff.

She rummaged in my toy box and came out with the nasty thick rattan cane. Before I knew what was happening I was bent over the table, robe pulled up to my waist, (Left foot still in the iced water bucket) and receiving six very hard whacks with the cane. Administering hard whacks with the cane in the confines of the RV lounge is no mean feat.

Apparently endangering myself up ladders is a punishable offence. At least the pain in my arse offset the pain in my ankle.

That was a few days ago. My ankle is still a bit swollen.

You are probably are expecting a picture of my spanked arse? Instead here is a picture of my swollen foot. Feel free to leave suitable sympathetic comments.